Two years ago today is when I figured out about my father and what he had done to her. It kills me inside to think about it still, the past is something I thought I could leave behind, that I could move on. I have moved on from so much already. Yet this one thing seems to pull me in, it drowns me and there is nothing I can do. I am in the middle of the ocean seeking help, seeking land. And yet no matter how hard I try I can never make it to the shore. I feel abnormal blogging about it, seeing as how I quite frankly abandoned my Xanga. But it was all I could think to do to alleviate some of the pain. I have resorted to doing things I once promised myself I wouldn't do. 

I wonder if he thinks about me. Thinks about what he did, thinks about how he fucked it all up.

I wish that there was something I could do to change some of the things that happened. But all I can do is change how I think now. 

I am not so much sad about what occured, since as far as I know, nothing happened to me. 

What makes me sad is my grief, I am grieving is all. He is dead now, and there is nothing left to do but let go. For some reason letting go seems to be the most challenging thing for me to do. I have never been to good at the concept of letting go. So I figure now I should try to do what I do best, I should write it out, work out in my words in which I type how exactly I feel. 

He was never there for me, which is why I think it is so hard for me. 

I always wanted him to be my dad, and now there is no hope for that. All that effort I placed in to trying to build up that father daughter relationship has been wasted. I am scared of what this will do to me in the future. How I will act with my husband someday, especially if there is a little girl involved...

I have already let it tarnish my relationships from the past. I have lacked trust in those who I am with. I have some kind of meltdown in the relationship and begin to immediately pick apart their flaws, connecting them to my fathers. But it isn't his fault that I am doing this. I have to stop blaming him for what I am feeling, because it is me who is causing this pain, not him ultimately. 

I have been in a relationship now for four months, yet all I can think about the entire time is that I don't want to mess it up. Don't want him to know about my past, about my father, about everything I have been through. Because whenever people figure these things out it changes what you two posses. It creates this dynamic of friction and the other person struggles to find the right words to say. 

What it has always seemed to end in with me, is them leaving. 

And it isn't even because they want to go, it is because I force them to. I shut them out, I begin to lash out at them like it is their fault that I am so upset. 

I have so far been successful at mostly suppressing my feelings and past from him. But one day he will understand what is going on through my mind while we are together, that I have to stop myself from comparing him to my father, that I have to believe that he is nothing like him, that I have to believe that he won't leave me even though the past has only reflected the opposite. 

I think about the past fellows who have entered my life for brief moments, and the impact they have left on me. The realizations of what I have been doing this whole time. The understanding that it was never them, yet always truly me. 

The line I most despise that I must now use. It was not you guys, it was me. 

I am caught in my own mind and have not released my emotions in too long. I have begun to sulk back into the familiarity of the darkness of depression and it causes me to be frightened of what I will do. What I will break this time. 

I have never talked to anyone about everything that has ever occurred between me and my father, no one knows why I act the way I do. They believe I am self righteous and hotheaded. It is more or less a type of armour to protect myself from the outside world. From the past. 

I feel like I give too much advice and do not for a second heed it.

My future will be stained by my past. And I will never truly recover from it. 

All I can do is hope that I can someday let go of all this pain. This pain that is causing me to hurt myself, causing me to hurt those around me, and most of all, keeping me from being the person I want to be.

I miss him sometimes, or maybe not him. Just the idea of what could have been.

I kissed one of my friends, best friends actually. I always seem to do this don't I? F**K Sakes.

It wasn't bad either, actually I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to feel like someone cared, and that lasted oh *checks imaginary watch* yeah like ten seconds, after that it spirled into confussion. I used to like this guy some two years ago or something, but I never thought anything would exceed past that, we stopped talking for a long time, and only started talking a couple months ago. Might I also mention that most of his previous girlfriends are INSANE!

His one girlfriend put a hit on him, after he broke up with her. She was cheating on him with his friends. She then proceeded to torment him at school......Great isn't she.

Next one, Oh well she just pretended to be pregnant and he totally freaked the fuck out. Yeah she is a real charmer.

So then I sort of sat there thinking, "Okay, so what the fuck is wrong with me then?"

Nice thought isn't it.

I thought so.

But after numerous incidents in my life like this. I have decided to take the "Screw it," and "Just roll with it," approach. Not sure where that will land me actually. It is semi thrilling, at the same time a complete PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!!

So we will either wind up one of three things, at least from what I can tell.

1. Back to friends, and just move on and laugh about it.

2. Be Friends with Benifits.......(not my favorite option)

3. Or.....Wind up dating.

This could swing either way, and I have no idea where it is headed.  But this time, I am not going to be the one calling the fucking shots, because that doesn't seem to work out for me, as we have learned from previous experimentation.

He is a great guy, funny, nice excetera, all that good stuff. But I don't know if he will want to get into a relationship or not....Friends with Bens seems to be the way we are swinging, though secretly I am trying to push the damn pendalum the other way, yeah....not working so well.

The good thing about him, is we can just move on from it if need be. Revert back to the way we are normally. Which consists of joking around, accidently slapping him, tripping, sitting on swings and talking, and getting thrown into snow. Thought thinking about this further, I think that even if we were dating, friends with bens or whatever the hell, these things wouldn't change. Except for the snow thing, because that was...

1. FUCKING COLD!!!

and 2. The snow WILL eventually melt, I hope........ o.O

But this is the most fun I have had in a long time. It feels good to be happy again, or some sembelance of it. I haven't been all that thrilled with life, but this one incident brought me and him together and it was good. It was perfect timing actually, or at least good enough, could've been a bit earlier but who the hell am I to complain right?

Fuckup-Messed Girl meets Messed Boy, Instant connection.

All I know is, I am not fucking this one up. I want to be able to hold at least one friend for a while, I think that is a fair statement.

Keep on living, keep on rolling with the punches and eventually life will bring you something good. Mine was a really amazing friend, that's what i got.

Now, I would like to clear something up.....He is not perfect. I always make them sound like they have no problems, they are marvelous and yada yada yada, but where is the fun in that?

He gets on my nerves, we argue like hell, we disagree on most everything, I am trying to be more possitive where he is not...., He has a bit more on his plate of messed up than me, He tickles me for a half an hour straight, He makes sly comments all the time, He has a dry sarcasm, I trip all the time and he makes fun of me for it and proceeds to joke and jerk his arm out towards me to try and make me fall or flinch.

But as I am writing these things I am laughing, These are the things that make us pretty amazing friends. Because frankly I am not perfect either, So while I am dealing with those things he is dealing with....

My trying to be possitive when he just doesn't care, My constent arguing about everything, My stupid smile, My dumb laugh, My squeal when tickled, The flailing when tickled, (a good knee to the face never really hurt anyone right), My tripping, With the tripping comes the slaps to the chest to try and sturdy myself, My inability to skate so instead I just lay on the ice, My terrible sick sense of humor, My negativity about my looks and personality, My temper....

So as you can see, we are pretty much equal. Sort of. My list is a little longer. F'Sakes. :) Yet some of his positives,

He bobs his head when he laughs which makes me laugh, He doesn't seem to mind my constant tripping, He likes my family, He lets me lay on him and sleep, His hair always smells good (score one on hygine), He is able to comfort me in the worst of times, He will bend over backwards to try and get me to stop crying (the slim times I am), He is able to sit there and listen to my music even when he hates it (not that he hides the fact he hates it well), He is good at keeping his promises, He always follows through, He deals with my need to always talk, He isn't afraid of my Step Dad (big points for that one)!!

And My positives I guess are...

I always listen I actually really enjoy to listen to others problems, I am always trying to get him to say two positive things about himself when he says one negative, I babysit his brother, I am good at making him laugh, I am flexible when it comes to hang out hours (normally only until like 9, but for him my mom lets me stay out until 10:30), I am good at keeping my promises also, I am trying to stop saying that I am bored all the time and instead finding an alternative word, I am trying to be able to grab his arm when falling instead of bringing him down with me, I tossed myself in the snow when he threatened to throw me in but I wouldn't go, I am little, I am outspoken, I am unique, I know all his secrets as he does mine.

So together we form...

This, Crazy outgoing insane psycho group of people who always walks around late at night, talks to each other, comfort each other, be there for one another, gives the other advice but knows the lines not to cross, is able to move past the crappy stuff in life and try and laugh it off, can drop whatever they are doing in order to be there for the other, lives right near one another, like a ten second walk, come rain or shine snow blizard or crazy winds we always tough it out for the other one, and best of all is able to see past the others flaws and somehow turn them into positives.

I am glad to have this amazing guy as my friend, and whatever happens I think we can try and make it and not let stupid

things get in the way of how close we are. I haven't had a friend like this before, where I am able to be completly laid back with and just act like myself for once not needing to mask it with a smile twenty four seven or being afraid that he really hates me. I know where he is comming from and he knows where I am, we are able to insult eachother yet know that we are just joking.

And so we make the best of things and get along most of the time. Ha.

Arguing is a good way to relieve stress though and we are both equaly good at arguing so there is always something to discuss.

I hope in the end it all works out.

But I will just keep on rolling with it.

So I just printed off "Finding Bianca", The book I worked on all throughout the summer. That's right, I just printed off my first manuscript. It will be given to someone on tuesday to edit- and after it being edited, I can start sending it to Agents. I am totally pumped for this. I can't believe it, I just printed off 214 pages...my very own book.

I never thought I would make it this far, so hopefully I will continue to surprise myself and make it all the way to a published piece.

I feel like I should be dancing around, hoping up and down singing "I did it, I did it!" But I am waiting until it is published to do that. Once it is published that's when I will dance around, not just my house, but the whole damn city. I can't even find words to describe everything I am feeling right now, one of them is deffinetly nervous. What if no one even likes my story?

But at the same time something inside me is screaming "Who gives a shit! You wrote a book!!"

I think I will listen to that voice.

I owe a lot of thanks to people though, people who were able to help me get through all of my ruts and be able to keep marching forward. Without all of those people there would be no book.

But I will wait until it gets published or found before I say anything about anyone, who knows, maybe it isn't any good.

"Who gives a shit! You wrote a book!!!"

:P